Remember our scars

Scars. Everybody has them. Some are hidden, some are not. Some are deeper than others. Some fade over time, others remain. Regardless of whether or not you see them, they are there. And each one tells a story.

Rylen asked daddy about his scars yesterday. Daddy told him that was a conversation for another day. Rylen moved on. My mind can’t seem to let it go.

With having two addicts as parents, chances are high that one, two, or all three of our boys will, at some point or another, become addicted. It’s likely that they all carry the gene. This fact doesn’t scare me. It’s a sobering reality that many parents face. What scares me is the speed and fury at which their disease will progress once it has them.

Kyle and I both had fierce diseases. Not that everyone’s disease isn’t fierce, but we both hit very low bottoms in a very short amount of time. I started drinking at 18 and by 21 I was walking and talking with a BAC of .49. I had to have lethal levels of alcohol in my blood for me to function “normally” after only three years. Upon waking, I immediately had to take a drink to stop my whole body from shaking. I lived through two overdoses and an alcohol induced coma. Kyle’s disease took a little longer to progress but within a few years of active addiction he was on a daily suicide mission.

The fact that we have fierce diseases that want us dead, fast, does not make us more addicted than others. But it does make me afraid for my kids. Malekai is just like me and Rylen is a miniature Kyle. It is absolutely terrifying to think about the degrees of hell through which they will walk before reaching their points of desperation. To think of the physical and emotional scars that they will either bury or carry with them when they are through.

Our boys are way too young to hear this right now, but this is what I would want them to know about mine and daddy’s scars.

My dearest child,

You are a miracle. Each and every breath you take is proof that miracles happen. Proof that God exists. Proof that life wins. And that love sustains.

You see daddy’s scars every day. They are deep. They are ugly. They look painful. They were painful. But what you don’t see is the beauty behind them. They hold a story unlike any other. A story of hope. A story of redemption. A story that we want you to know.

You see, mommy and daddy’s scars are not just scars. They are battle wounds. They are daily reminders that we survived war.

It was a brutal war. A war that should have taken both of our lives. A war of good versus evil. Of darkness versus light. Of life versus death. A war that took place inside our heads but blackened our hearts and tarnished our souls. A war that cost us our freedom, our families, and ourselves. But it was a war that when won, gave us new life and abundant freedom.

This war has a name. It’s called addiction. Millions of people fight this war every single day. It has claimed many lives and continues to take people out daily. It’s sneaky. You don’t know you’re in it until it already has you. It lies. It makes you think you are in control while it completely dominates you. It’s a thief. It will rob everything you have and leave you with nothing. It is lethal. It won’t stop until you are dead.

But there is a way out. This doesn’t have to be your story.

The genetic odds are not in your favor. You undoubtedly have the propensity to become addicted. But hear this, my sweet child. There is another way. And you don’t have to walk through hell to find it. 

I pray every day that you won’t have to fight this war to know life as we now know it. That you won’t ever succumb to the demons inside, as they try to convince you that life is not worth living. I pray that you will never experience the depth of pain that daddy and I did. That you will never know what it’s like to sink a knife into your wrists or smell skin as it melts underneath of a lit cigarette, desperately trying to release the monster that has engulfed you.

But most of all, I pray that if you ever find yourself in that place where the pain becomes unbearable and death feels like the only way out, you remember our scars. And know that there is always another way. That the battle is worth winning. That your life matters. In your darkest day, in your most excruciating moment, God will show up. I promise you, He will show up. And He will offer you life. All you have to do is say yes. 

Our diseases brought us unimaginable darkness but yours doesn’t have to. You can find peace without going to war. You can find hope before becoming hopeless. You can know freedom without being chained. You can find happiness without knowing despair. And you can live a rich, fulfilling life without meeting death.

Let us be your way out. Let our story be your escape. Let our scars be your saving grace.

Love always,

Mommy <3

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19 Comments

  • Excellent weblog right here! Also your site rather a lot
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  • sue shook says:

    Thank you Christine for a beautiful glimpse into your journey. It was so honest, authentic and REAL. I work in an addiction recovery program and I see the pain that addiction can bring…but I also see how God restores and how lives are made stronger in the broken places. He will use you greatly in the lives of others and especially your children Christine. Continue to hang on to His strength and continue to use your amazing gift of writing to inspire and help others!!!

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  • Lois Christopher says:

    I will always thank God that you won the battle. Your writing is inspiring.

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  • Angela says:

    This essay deserves a broader audience. Your ability to combine pain, strength, faith, compassion, a mother’s worries and hopes all in one essay is a true gift, Christine. Your heart & your words are touching souls deeply.

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  • Kim says:

    Wow! I finally read this when I had some quiet time. I am speechless and on the verge of tears. Honest, raw, and REAL! – I will share this with my sons. Love you more than words can express. You are a gift from God!

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  • peggyr says:

    that is so true I m sure you children
    hope and pray that they never have
    to you are wise beyond your years

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  • María says:

    Thank you for sharing the beauty of scars in your inspiring writing. It made me remembre one of my favorite poets: Kahlil Gibran, who also celebrated suffering. He said “Out of suffering emerged the strongest souls, the most massive characters are seared with scars”
    This is a great way of leaving a legacy for your children.

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  • Kathy says:

    I would say this is one of your best writings yet, Christine. So very honest, filled with ugly truth and beautiful hope. So thankful that the disease did not win — God did!!!

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  • Christi says:

    Living this terrifying reality with my son. I am going to have him read this in hopes that he will be inspired to continue along his path of recovery and not tempt fate by relapsing.
    Thank you for your words of wisdom .

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  • Beth deschenes says:

    Im speechless. This is incredible. I am pinning it so I can have it for my own babes when/if the time comes. Love you too much!

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